Where's my confidence which served me so well until now?
I don't am not confident in anything any more. I'd rather keep it down because if I put up my hope and I failed to fulfil that expectations (happened so many times after the rather forgettable term break) then I will find myself in a very complex situation. I don't want to be in that situation. It's too hard for me to get out. I would rather just blame heavily on myself for that and just do nothing to deal with my confidence. I would just sit there studying alone to try to do better but I doubt I can do it.
There's no really a way out of it since everyone put so much expectations on me. I can feel that heavy stress coming towards me. I don't want to break the party but no way I will live up to that name even I work very hard. Just no. I am now working a lot harder than I used to but still I am extremely dissatisfied with my progress.
That rather forgettable term break really turned me into another person. I became more polarised. I can easily split myself into 2 very different person. I act and talk differently when I talk to different individuals. I can be a normal and happy person at one point and I can turn into real self at another point. What I show to most people is my fake self. No, It's not my real self. If you want me to show my real self, talk with me in individually. You would be surprised at what I am actaully.
John Denver do make the word "music" a thing in the past...... It's actaully a person singing a song, not just some wacky synthetic voice that makes me throw up at times. The lyrics are also written a lot better back then, at least we don't listen to people singing about when they were stoned back then....
Had a great day at Badminton even though I didn't win any of 'em. XD I was there just for some fun and little bit physical workout.
Came home and had to change back into school uniform for Open night. Last minute changes stopped me from guiding tours so ended up in the science labs demonstrating experiments! :D also got to run around the school in lab coat :P.
As a cost, I feel really exhausted today and fell alseep in Chem class. recovered from it and managed to hold my mind for the mind rape in Maths XD
