My life is in fragments right now. It's also unbelievable that I am still not overcoming most of the aftershock of all these events that I have zero desire to name and share to all of you. You should have knew what happened to me all these weeks already. It's my own fault for crafting out all those events and I take responsibility for them but I can't admit that I have taken the steps needed to get myself right out of it.
All those events had left a person (me) very unmotivated to do anything not even my beloved gaming
which I now found hard to get back into after missing it for a while to tune my mentality. I just prefer to stay on IRC and read every other forums and sometimes post a reply these days. My life is getting more dull everyday and I am not going to see the end of it. On the other hand, can I really deal with all the aftershock of these events which I am not confident and unconvinced that I would be able to deal with?
It's hard for someone (me) who has weak mental strength as a result of all those unethical and demoralising bashing done by teachers back in primary school days (thanks you lots you have wrecked me as a result of that six years which also made me to treat things too seriously) to get over these events and move on. Really, it's just too hard. I look down to myself and each other because back then everyone did that to me. All the teacher and student didn't trust me because of my eccentric personality at class which everyone coped with that with no problem when I came to Blackburn High (no, Hong Konger hates eccentric personality at class. They demand everyone to be the same like a robot). They just hated me so much and that really affected what became of me here. Here, I try to treat every one of you well and try to make people to trust me so that I won't get forgotten by you all.
I really hate getting treated harshly and I would really speak out and go on offence if people try to treat me really harshly (but really don't, I am a friendly person after all.).
This is also a very hard testament to my ability of minimising the effect of shock and losses into my mind. I can't take losses at all. They impact my mind and my personality very very harshly, even if I am prepared for the worse outcome I still can feel a lot of the impact from it.It's not that I have shield to protect me from it, I do have one but it's too weak to protect me from anything that harsh of that over the last few weeks. I've never suffered that much since my grandfather died just a little under a decade ago which as a child had a really profound impact on my life thus I am finding all this impact hard to minimise. I just don't have the will to build a shield that can absorb all the shockwaves and keep my dignity and integrity intact for me to prepare myself to future challenges which I am certain that it would be far worse that these events.
But really I should be something like the TF2 Engineer which likes to say ," Gotta move that gear up!" , I can't just stay there and get all my things sapped to death, I need to fix them and pursue the spy to keep myself alive. I need to put all these afterthoughts of these events away from my mind. It's not the past and the present mindset that I should remain at, it's the future that I should look forward to. Damages done are done, I can't linger back at the damage, I should get all them fixed up quickly and move on.
I have no desire to stay at where I am right now. What I want is a better version of myself that will become successful in the future and I need to work on it.
N.B: This is the 100th post of my blog.
(Indeed, this post is showing my dark side which only very few of you know a lot about it and even someone like Madeline who knows my other side pretty well knows nothing about. Really, I have a very dark side in which very few of you would have interest to know about.)
